Chaos Theory
by MachinaExDeo
Summary: A flap of a butterfly's wings, can turn into a twister halfway around the world. This is the result of a simple story, with a tiny detail, insignificant really, added in, and the resulting ripples. The story of one Subaru Natsuki, with just one small difference. (Cover Image isn't mine)
1. Chapter 1: I just wanted some noodles

**I can't believe that no-one had already made a fanfic like this. At least not that I know of. I mean, I've already seen a couple of fanarts. Unless requested otherwise, I'm keeping this a oneshot.**

 **Re: Zero and its wonderful cast of characters do not belong to me.**

 **Chapter 1: I Just Wanted Some Noodles...**

Night time was a pretty dangerous time for me, well, for anyone really. You get told all kinds of horror stories, and every now and again you hear some kind of outrageous rumor that you'd normally find in a campfire situation.

It's kinda scary to admit it, but soon enough, you don't pay attention to those stories. It's not as if you don't believe them anymore! Scary things do happen, after all . But overtime the stories just... lose their meaning. So what if that happened to someone a hundred miles away? It's a tragedy, yes, but I'm a person who likes to focus on the positives of the world. Which is why I wasn't afraid of a short walk to the convenience store in the middle of the night.

Turns out, I really should have been.

One pack of noodles, check. A small(ish) bar of chocolate, check. Fifteen minutes wasted checking a manga I'm probaby never gonna buy, check! Haa... what an unhealthy lifestyle. Ah, well, a couple of stretches and a nice jog will work it out.

I was just pondering how to burn off the small candy bar (it was small, I swear!). I was minding my own business. Just another person wandering dangerously in the darkness...

And then one second later, it wasn't darkness anymore.

I said that I like the positive stories right? You probably already figured out that I'm a big fantasy nerd, too. I've read plenty of light novels an manga where the main guy gets transported to a video game, or an alternate dimension, or a fantasy world, or all three. And as cliche as some of them are (and believe me, I've seen things) I'm a huge sucker for them. Although, I've always wanted to see what would happen if a girl got caught up in those stories.

That being said, it didn't mean that I was ready to see a _freaking_ dragon pulling a carriage.

My reaction was kind of: "Huh. A dragon."

Underwhelming, I know. In my defense, I did think it was pretty awesome. But at the time, I was about eighty percent sure that this was a dream. It was the middle of the night in my 'old world' so it wasn't a stretch by any means. I figured, if it was a dream, might as well go with it. If it was real, then standing around gawking wasn't gonna do much, was it? I knew this was gonna go, I'd get sucked into some big adventure and get a harem of hotties along the way. Author-kun, please try not to be so predictable.

So I walked around, and I'm got some pretty strange looks because of my clothing. It was the same kind of feeling I got when I walked through the city cosplaying, they were confused, but didn't really care enough to ask.

...Although, I suppose acting like a total idiot in the middle of the streets trying to activate my Sacred Gear didn't help much.

I got to what looked like a market and saw that the writing in this world was definitely not Japanese, or English or any language I recognized. That would've been way too convenient. But luckily, from the snippets I overheard from the people bartering around me, the spoken language was pretty much Japanese. I even had a nice conversation with this guy trying to sell me appas.

...I call bullshit.

Anyway, what followed was another silly mistake of mine that I have always been warned against: entering a dark alley. I mean, come on, it was the middle of the freaking day, who would be stupid enough to attack me in broad daylight? Turns out, no matter what world you're in, reckless/desperate idiots are a constant. And here they took the form of an ogre, a visual kei reject, and the mushroom guy from Super Mario.

I have no idea what they wanted, unless my tracksuit looked like noble clothing in this world, and how much of a fashion tragedy would that be? Of course, one can never discount the possibility that their motives were a bit more sinister... **shudders**...

I did have a hope of a slight reprieve when this adorable little blond girl passed through the alley. I really thought that this was the first event of this situation! Isn't this how it usually goes? The MC gets into a tussle, and is saved by a strong female character, who ends up falling in love with said protagonist. But no... the cheeky brat just passed by without so much as a by-your-leave!

...Bitch.

Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was expecting too much from a few crappy light novels with bizarrely long titles. But come on! If this is just specifically me, then that's discrimination, I say! Well, author-san, I'll have you know, I can take care of myself. I said I was positive, not stupid.

"Aarrgh!"

Shrek collapses from the force of over one million volts flowing through his body at the rate of five milliamps, thanks to my handy quality stun gun. You didn't honestly think I would walk aroun with no protection did you? There was only so much I could learn in terms of self-defense in the comforts of my apartment. I may not get the generic superpower, or the generic heroine, but I still have the generic hax item!

...That didn't really sound cool, did it?

"Hah! How do you like that?!"

Mushroom and Mr. Emo didn't seem keen to follow their friend. "A metia?" One of them mutters. Wasn't exactly sure what a metia was, but considering where I was, I could take a guess. Alright, time to ham it up.

"That's right!" I declared, channelling my inner performer. "This metia harnesses the power of lightning. And if that isn't enough, I also have another which has emits a smoke to burn your skin like fire!" Stretching it slightly, but they seemed to buy it. "That's right. So why don't you take care of your friend here and we can all go about our own business, hm?"

Unfortunately, with all my grandstanding, I forgot the number one rule of fantasy worlds: whoever is doing the gloating, good or bad guy, will end up being thwarted. And rule number two: just because somebody is down, does not mean they're out.

Shrek roared as he rose up and managed to grab a hold of my left arm, which held the stun gun. I immediately tried to twist my wrist to hit him again, but Toadstool tackled me, digging his strangely phallic shaped head into my stomach, knocking the breath from my lungs, right before he grabbed my other arm. Hey, you little brat, you were getting close to dangerous territory there, you know!

The last of the assailants advanced towards me, apparently going for the stun gun, or metia, whatever they called it. I lashed out with one foot, aiming for the area that should only be treated nicely. Underhanded perhaps, but so was three-on-one. Whatever you label it, they didn't like it. Ogre punched me in the stomach and the fungus twisted my arm back.

"You're gonna pay for that..." My victim growled, clutching his groin. A little tip, no man ever managed to look or sound intimidating while holding their crotch, graning in agony. Nevertheless, he probably didn't appreciate me pointing it out, judging by the kick in the ribs. I really need to stop running my mouth.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Something plowed into Minor Character #1, something that shattered on impact but sent him sprawling on the ground. My captors were just as shocked as I am, and that's when I saw her.

For the generic heroine, she was breathtaking, even compared to the ridiculous kind of beauty you see on fashion magazines. Silver hair, with a flower placed above her ear, intense purple eyes assessing the situation. She wore this loose, white and purple outfit that seemed to flow around her even without the wind.

Another two bits of crystal flew from somewhere on her left and slammed into the thugs holding me captive.

"Fuck, a spirit user!"

"Let's get the hell out of here!"

The three musketeers bolted into the alleyway, one of them still holding their groin, funnily enough. Hopefully that will teach them to be a bit more cautious about who they try to jump. Wait... No, if they're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose them.

I stayed kneeling on the ground, I had just been punched in the stomach. The girl knelt in front of me, holding my face in her hands. Whoa, should you be getting so close to a stranger. Actually, nevermind, you're my heroine, come here!

"Are you all right?" Ah, even her voice is beautiful.

"I'm fine. It will take more than those three to take me down." I try to grin roguishly, but it didn't exactly reassure her. Or it creeped her out, I couldn't tell.

"I'll say." Another voice spoke up. I turned my head and saw... uh... I guess a kind of floating cat. A really, really cute floating cat. And it was holding up my stun gun. "Looked like this thing could have taken care of all three of them at once." The cutie started fiddling with the stun gun, in ways that made me worry.

"Uh, maybe you should be abit more careful with that." I warned.

"Relax, I think I know how to handle a meti-AAHH!" Unsurprisingly, all his (her, its?) fiddling soon had it press the trigger, just as the prongs were at its tail. The creature dropped the stun gun, while holding its slightly steaming tail. It didn't seem that injured, just surprised. "A mechanical action metia? That's rare!"

"And that's why you shouldn't play with it." I snatched the stun gun away and pocketed it. "Anyway, thanks for helping me out!"

That's how the first event of my fantasy world life began.

I spent the next five hours getting to know the beautiful heroine, who I learned was called Satella, and her spirit friend/guardian, Puck. It was pretty surreal for me, actually. I was kind of a recluse back in the old world, and I don't really have any experience with talking to such beautiful girls. But somehow, words seem to flow. There was just something so charismatic about her that made it so easy to talk.

I was never really able to talk to pretty girls. It's not as if I was bullied or shunned or anything. But people with my kind of hobbies sort of form groups of their own. And I hate to say it, but there aren't a lot of hot girls in that community. Heck, I would probably describe myself as average, despite how muh it stings my pride.

And she was a kind girl. I didn't really know what to expect, but her clothes looked a cut above the norm in this world, so I assumed she was rich, and expected a matching attitude. A 'himedere', if you will. But no. She was sweet with that lost little girl, even though she was in the middle of hunting down that thief.

"You're a nice girl aren't you, Satella-chan?" I couldn't help but say after we waved goodbye to the little girl and the appa man.

"I guess. And why do you keep adding -chan to my name? Or Puck's?"

"It's just a sign of affection! Like nicknames! Haven't you ever called a friend by a nickname?"

"Umm... Well, I don't really have many friends." she said sheepishly. "Puck sometimes call me Lia, but... that's pretty much it."

The thing to do was pretty damn obvious, even I understood. "Well then, let's fix that, huh?"

"Huh?"

"Let's be friends, Sat-chan!"

"Eh?" Now she was even more confused, which really made her that much more adorable in my opinion. Even Puck seemed to be shocked. "Wait, where did that come from? We just met and-"

"Oh, never mind that!" I decide to take a gamble and loosely wrapped my arm around her shoulders. We were close now, her wisps of silver hair brushing against my face. "I don't have much experience being friends with girls my age. And you just said you don't have many 're not used to having people be nice to you, are you. Sat-chan?" It was an easy deduction. Anyone could recognize it. Satella was used to being overlooked as a friend for some reason, and I didn't like it.

Satella remained silent, biting her lip in hesitation. I decided to speak again.

"Tell you what. I've already decided to be your friend. You saved me from those creeps earlier, after all. Now, I'm helping you catch this thief. If by that time, I still haven't convinced you to be friends with me, well, I got nothing else. What do you say?"

Satella smiled beatifically, her eyes sparkling like amethysts. "I don't think you would have to worry about that."

Yeah, I think it would be safe to say we liked each other immediately. I would tease her and make some borderline inappropriate comment, she would scold me while trying to hide the smirk I elicited from her, and Puck would make his own wry comments on the side, at least until hegot off the clock. All in all, a pleasant walk with a new friend. A new experience to be sure. If this wasn't a dream, my new life in this other world might not be so bad.

I know I didn't say that out loud. But come on, you have to have known that even thinking that triggered a flag, didn't you?

I never even saw it coming. I don't even know what 'it' was.

One second, I was looking at some old man's carved up corpse, doing my best not to throw up. The next, Satella collapsed on her front. a sickening squelch accompanying her landing. At first I didn't know what the sound was, but I soon found out for myself.

The feeling of weakness overcame my body, the warmth of blood leaking down my body. I heard something plop down. _Are those my guts?_ Ridiculous thoughts. Stupid thoughts. Thoughts trying to avoid the inevitability of death. I ignored the sense of weakness. I ignored the gross feeling of the blood and who knows what else underneath me. With huge effort, I raised my head to look at Satella. My friend.

I dragged my limp and mostly unresponsive body across the splintered wooden floor. There wasn't any pain. Maybe I was too close to death to feel it. All I could think of was her, still looking beautiful with her instantly fatal injuries.

I took her hand in mine, my thoughts running faster than they ever had in my life. _My first mission, failed. My heroine, my friend, dead. No,_ _ **murdered.**_ _Is this the end of my new life? Is this game over for me?_

I couldn't tell you whether or not what happened next was the best opportunity of my life or the worst punishment I could have ever received.

"Hey, lady? Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna buy the damn appas? Wh-What the- Hey, hey wake up! Lady, what's wrong?"

Here I am. Natsuki Subaru. A teenage girl starting in another world. From zero.

* * *

 **So, what do you guys think? Should I continue this? Drop a review!**


	2. Chapter 2: Let it go

**Re Zero does not belong to me.**

 **Chapter 2: Let It Go...**

I'm no stranger to time loops, in fiction at least. I am a long time fangirl for the mad scientist, HOUOUIN KYOUMA (and yes, that had to be capitalized) and I have seen several western movies using that as a plot point.

The first time it happens to the main character, they think that everything before was just a dream, and what follows is the world's longest example of deja vu. And if this happened in the normal world, I would have bought it. But I can't rely on the whole 'this is a dream' excuse every time something weird happens, can I? I'm already in a fantasy world after all. Who knows what's possible?

First things first, I needed to find Satella, and stop her from going to the slums... But how? Even without my help, I was sure that she would find the place and end up dead. Again.

So that means that I would have to find that insignia myself before Satella. I didn't get a very good look at the old man. But I could tell that he was nearly twice my height. Whoever sliced him up would snap me like a twig. But there was a sliver of hope.

The old man's blood was still wet when we got there, still shining in the moonlight. I'm no forensic expert, but surely that means he was killed within the hour, at least. I still have time to find the girl and warn the old man about the would-be murderer.

I ran as fast as I could, thinking that it would be best to get to the slums while it was still light out. Less risk of running into any unsavory people. It took me an hour to find the old man's place again, mostly because I wasn't so sure how to get there from the appa stand. But I got there eventually.

I approached the doors carefully, sniffing the air for blood, but I couldn't smell anything. If I strained my ears, I could hear somebody shuffle around in there. Somebody with big footsteps. I banged on the door. "Heey! Anyone in there? I know someone's in there so don't even bother hiding! Helloooo-"

"Ah, shut yer damn trap!" The door flew open, revealing a giant of a man, in every sense of the word. I was right, he was twice my height and his arms were bigger than me. His voice was sounded like it was spoken through a megaphone. He had thick, bushy eyebrows that were oddly braided at the end, but that was far from the strangest thing about his appearance. If actual giants existed in this world, this man had to be one of them.

"Whaddaya think yer doing, ya stupid little girl, makin' such a racket when ya don't even know the damn pass phrase?!" He continued to rant about how much I irritated him, then went on to demand what the hell was I doing alone around these parts, and then continued to complain about how stupid kids these days were. It took me fifteen minutes to get a word in and get myself in the little shack.

I sat at the counter, across from the man (who introduced himself as Rom), who was gulping down what I assumed to be alcohol. I struggled to comment on the time of day, this wasn't my house, after all. So I laid out why I was here.

"Hey, mister, do you know a girl, about a head shorter than me? Blond hair? Likes stealing things?"

Rom squinted his eye over his... tankard? Tankard seems right. He glared before speaking. "Why're ya lookin' for Felt? She nick somethin' off ya?"

"No, no, not exactly." I denied immediately. I didn't want to start trouble now, especially against this guy. "She stole something that I'm interested in, and I want to buy it. I asked around and I was told that this is where she unloads her loot."

"Well, ya came to the right place. As it happens, the brat told me that she had a client coming today, who was _very_ interested in somethin', and hired her to steal it."

"You mean Felt is working for someone else?" That was bad. If Felt had already been paid, then so much for getting it myself.

"Mmhm. But... Felt will give it to whoever pays her more money. So... what do ya have on offer?"

Not exactly subtle, huh? Well, neither was I.

"I got this." And I plopped down the stun gun on the table.

On the way here, I wondered what I was going to negotiate with. I had no money, but I had some cool stuff. A cell phone, a stun gun, and a half-full bottle of pepper spray. All of them would be pretty handy in this new world, but I needed that insignia to save Satella, so I went for the thing that would be the most visually... shocking. Hehe. Worst comes to worst, I have the pepper spray.

Rom picked up the black device with a surprisingly delicate touch. "What's this?"

I plucked it from his hands. "This, old man, is cutting-edge stuff. It's a metia!" With a flourish, I activated it. Outside, the sparks were very dim, even though it was fully charged. Here, in this dimly lit shack, I imagine it was pretty damn impessive. The old man's jaw dropped slightly. Heh, meet the 21st century, dude!

"What... What is that?"

"Like I said, it's a metia. Jam this into someone gut and press the button, lightning will tear right through them. Not literally." I added hastily, before handing it back to him. "Still, you can knock out a grown man with a single touch."

"Something like this..." Rom pressed the button and nearly dropped it when the electricity lit up between the prongs. "This ain't magic-operated? It's mechanical?"

Hmmm... Puck said something similar. I guess some metias need magic to work. But I'm also guessing that this will make _my_ 'metia' more valuable. "Well, do I look like a magic user to you?" I asked rhetorically.

"I ain't stupid enough to answer a question like that." he replied absent-mindedly. Huh, didn't expect him to have that kind of tact. "But, a mechanical-action metia that launches Yang element magic... I don't you'll have to worry about a higher bid."

I was happy about that. This could end well for everyone, but I had to do one more thing. "Hey, old man, do you have any idea who this client is, or what Felt is supposed to steal?"

"Hm? Nah, just told me to expect a good haul tonight!"

"Huu, is that right?" So the old man hasn't met whoever murdered him last time. Wait, what am I thinking, it might not even be the client! It could just be some psycho with a machete, and old man Rom got caught in the crossfire.

But still...

Whatever. Satella won't be here until after sunset so I have plenty of time. I doubt this giant would lose in a straight up fight, and now I'm here, there's no element of surprise. I could even help out with my modern weapons.

So I waited on the front steps, munching on the chocolate bar I bought earlier today. Or was it yesterday? Whichever it is, by this time, Felt would have just stolen the insignia from Satella and would be on her way here. That thief was fast, so she should get here within the hour. The sky had just started to turn orange, and soon enough, the petite blond girl appeared in front of me.

"Hey, lady, you lookin' to buy something or what?"

And so began my foray into the negotiation table. in all honesty, I was pretty confident. I wasn't the smoothest talker in social situations, but business was different. A depressing collection of games, figurines and other... memorabilia in my old apartment was a testament to my bartering skills.

Or at least, I thought it was going to be that easy.

Honor among thieves. I seriously thought that kind of thing only existed in fiction. I mean, sure there were crooks who were probably decent enough, but at the end of the day, the criminal who plays fair ends up behind bars or six feet under. I guess I underestimated these people.

"Look, your old man already said that my bid is practically guaranteed! Just give me the damn insignia and I'll be on my way!"

"And _I_ said you'll wait your turn, Princess! I don't care if that metia is made of gold and came out of Lord Flugel's ass. I made a deal for this insignia, and you're gonna compete for it, you got me?!"

"Why the hell are you so insistent on this? You're gonna get richer one way or another, so just make it more convenient for both of us?"

"I don't know who you've been dealin' with, 'til now. But around here, we don't do shit just 'cause it''s convenient! That's not how it works, alright! Now if you don't want to get your ass chucked into the river like yesterday's garbage, sit down and shut the fuck up!"

At this point, she had started to rest her hand on the hilt of her very large knife. I should have backed off then and there. I don't even know why I took it this far, I'm usually more level-headed than this. But this brat just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. It was a stark contrast to how easily I got along with Satella. I suppose it was asking too much for every girl I meet to be friendly.

But I swear to any god that exists in this world if that assassin doesn't kill this kid, _I_ would!

"Are you threatening me, you little brat?" I growled, in my best menacing voice, gripping my can of mace.

"Believe me lady, I can do a lot more than just _threaten_ you!"

 _WHACK!_

"Alright girls, that's enough. Felt, ya know the rules; no fightin' in the shack. You two wanna duke it out, take it far away from here."

"Tch." Felt crossed her arms, refusing to look at me again. "As long as she keeps her yap shut, she can stay. But this is the biggest job I've had in months. You mess it up, they'll be finding pieces of you in the river."

"Much as I'd love to see you try, pipsqueak, your babysitter's right. Besides, I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to." I ignored Felt's indignant squawk at the word 'baby-sitter' in favor of sitting back and calming myself. The sooner I can leave, the sooner I can find Satella and give her the insignia. Neither of us would have to get an appendectomy today.

A tense silence continued. I checked my phone again and again, growing more and more restless each time. Rom lit up a lamp once twilight set in. 5 o'clock passed by, meaning that if Satella came here now, Puck wouldn't be here to protect her. Honestly, I just wanted this done and over with, the suspense was killing me. I was just about to stand and pace when an oddly specific sequence of knocks. The recognition on Felt's face only confirmed it.

...You know, I never thought I would be so eager to meet a potential assassin.

Then again, I doubt there were many assassins that looked like this one. I mean, seriously this woman was the very definition of 'femme fatale'. Long and luscious black hair, a figure that forced me to clamp down a mix of emotions, and clothes that would have gotten her arrested in Japan. Even the way she moved was graceful and sensual. What the hell kind of assassin draws so much attention to herself?

...Right, fantasy world. Never mind.

But, really, after the initial shock of her sheer sexiness, I didn't find anything else to like. Elsa Granhiert was cool, calm, eloquent, gracious, and she creeped the hell out of me.

Throughout the entire negotiation, she didn't twitch once. Not when I was introduced. Not when it was revealed that my stun gun was worth more, even with her additional gold coins. Not when Felt eventually gave me the insignia she went through so much trouble to find. Her face didn't move a millimeter. She was like one of those supermodels who have so much make up on them, their masks would crack at the slightest change of expression.

In the end, that's how I knew shit was going down.

"If I may ask, what do you plan to do with that insignia?"

"Huh?" I suppose it's a legitimate question to ask someone who just outbid for a precious item. But... "Sorry, but that's kind of a personal thing, ya know?"

Wrong answer.

All I saw was a tiny crinkling of her eyes, and my 'oh shit' reflex kicked into high gear. I threw myself backwards as hard as I could, but I was only... partially successful. In my peripheral vision, I saw the table, the chair, and the floor boards explode into splinters. But I was more focused on the splashes of red that filled my vision.

Was it just me, or was my leg really far away?

"Oh dear. I was aiming further up. Amputations are so bo~ring!"

Someone started screaming. It was probably me, somwhere between terror and pain, at the time, I couldn't really tell the difference. Elsa, the charmer she was, was swinging a wicked purple knife like it was a toy. I looked up at her face and realized something really freaky. Her smile was 100% genuine. More than that, her cheeks were slightly flushed, and she had the so-called 'bedroom eyes'. This sick bitch enjoyed what she did to me!

That epiphany was what spurred me into further action, or as much action as I could take on my ass with a severed leg. However, it seems that I didn't need to worry. A gust of wind blew through my hair, and Felt appeared in front of me, a knife of her own in hand.

I'm not exactly sure what happened next. Not just because I was about to pass out from pain, or because I was still in shock (though that was a big factor). But because I couldn't fucking _see_ it! Felt was zipping around the room, and if it weren't for the flashes of metal, i would have thought that she had totally disappeared. Elsa wasn't moving as much, but occasionally she swayed around and her arm lashed around, most likely responding to Felt's strikes.

It ended as fast as it started.

The thief had locked her knife with Elsa's. It didn't make sense, since Elsa could easily overpower her. But Old Man Rom had read Felt's intentions. The giant of a man was surprisingly quick, and had hefted a club as tall as he was to bear it down on Elsa's back. I remember feeling relieved, but it didn't last long.

The assassin had a second knife.

With depressing ease, Rom and Felt were butchererd like animals. Their blood rained down on the psychopath, and I watched, disgusted as she moaned at the sensation. She went as far as to rub it into her skin, giggling and marvelling at the spilled intestines like a childplaying in the ocean.

Then she turned to me.

To be honest, I was barely conscious. I think she may have said something, or nothing. I think she cut me again, or maybe she just watched me. I think I may have said something, but I don't think she heard me.

I was certain she was smiling.

...

...

...

When I came to, I couldn't stop vomiting.

* * *

 **Okay, people seem to like this, so I am going to continue it. Here's the thing, I have not caught up to the light novels, and so I am not that sure about the background of the setting, or the characters, or the lore, shit like that. I could just make it up, but I am missing out on a lot of key elements and I really don't want to risk it.**

 **I'll be updating as often as I can, since there is a while to go until I plan to make rather significant and obvious ripples. So don't hold your breath for the next chapter.**

 **Peace out, bitches!**


	3. Chapter 3: The white knight we needed

**Re: Zero does not belong to me.**

 **Chapter 3: The white knight we needed...**

What the fuck.

...

...

No, really, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT?!

How in the hell am I supposed to deal with that?! Felt was moving like a damn cyclone and she was slashed to pieces in seconds! That was not a starting level boss battle at all! This is not how it's supposed to go! I'm supposed to work my way up through minions and tutorial bosses, right? God fucking dammit!

...

Okay, I'm calm now, I'm calm now. Which is good, because Appa man is really starting to give me weird looks.

Appa man? Ah, no, I really am looping. What kind of shitty ability is this? I'd take an enchanted sword or an OP ability any day, thanks. This… Death Loop? Groundhog Soul? Auto-Save? Gate of Steiner? Whatever I call it, getting killed seems to be the only way to activate it, which is the worst requirement ever, thanks.

Mr. Appa sat me down behind his stall, sitting on the ground, clutching a bucket that I had probably thrown up in already. He was surprisingly sweet, and I realized it probably not the first time he's had to put up with some stupid kid who looks like she's had one too many.

Mr. Appa sat down in front of me, handing me a glass of water, a piece of fruit and a glare that looked like something my father would wear after I got in trouble at school. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking? And so early in the day?"

"I haven't been drinking." I insisted. "I just got some bad news." I said glumly.

"Finally sunk in, did it?"

"Yeah, you could say that." More like it tore into me just two minutes ago, but I can't afford to look any crazier than I already do.

The man looked at me blankly, but I could tell he was struggling to say something. Understandable, nobody wants to accidently pry into somebody's sensitive business. I guess he opted for a safer topic. "Is there someone you can talk to? Friends? Family?"

"No, I'm from a far away country. I'm… I'm alone here. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure, where I am." I think that's when it finally sunk in for me. I'm in a strange land and the only people I can call friends were a cat spirit and a girl I who was going to be murdered in a few hours. Even my old social life was better compared to my current state.

"That explains the clothes. Look, kid," he started awkwardly. "You don't seem like a bad kid, and I don't know what kind of trouble you got yourself into."

"I didn't. The trouble found me."

"Well, whatever happened, I'm sure you can find people here who can help. I don't know what it's like where you're from, but they take care of kids here in Lugnica. They got good homes, and places for work… Oi, what's so funny?"

I couldn't help but smile. This guy, this total stranger… was trying to rehabilitate me? I think I've hit a new low. I've never felt more pathetic in my life, and considering my hobbies, that's saying something.

"I'm sorry, it's just… I wasn't really expecting that. You look kinda rough, but you're a real softy, aren't you?"

"Oh, fuck off." You may say that, old man, but I can see through it! I see the embarrassed blush on your face, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It makes sense, really. No-one can raise a kid that cute without getting a soft side. Hell, that little girl's adorableness might even crack that psychopath.

"Still, I appreciate it. But that's not the kind of help I'm…"

I could have killed myself. On purpose, this time.

The hell was I thinking? I couldn't tackle this alone. These had magic and superpowers on their side. The only hax ability I have is the Return by Death (name under consideration), but that is the literal definition of a last resort.

Well, if villains and magic had superpowers, there were definitely others that had the same. But how can I convince them to fight something like that?

Oh, duh. Money. And according to Old Man Rom, I got a nice source of that in my pocket.

"Hey, this may sound like a weird question… but is there a place I can hire someone for… uh…" Crap, how do I put this? However, Appa did not let me finish.

"Stop right there. I don't what you're thinking, and I don't wanna know, but I'll tell you now: Mercenaries don't have much of a place in the capital. Too close to the Royal Guard for any real business. You understand?"

Oh, I understood. Don't start any trouble, and if you're going to anyway, keep it subtle, and keep it away from the men in uniform. No wonder Rom and Felt were so paranoid. But this 'Royal Guard' had possibilities.

"Hey, old man, where can I find these Guards?"

I found myself in the barracks of the city's Royal Guard, a stupidly big building for a glorified police station. Then again, the police stations I know carry guns not swords and war hammers (seriously though, war hammers?). Mr. Appa, whose name I keep forgetting to ask, told me the Royal Guard were the elite fighting forces of Lugnica, defending the crown, and destroying the enemies of state. Definitely people I wanted on my side.

At the very least, I thought they would know something about Elsa. They must have people who keep track of criminals and assassins, right? Like a 10 Most Wanted list or something.

If I'm lucky, maybe I can find another main character. You know, the one with the _real_ hax item/ability. The one stupid enough to take the word of a weirdly dressed girl, just because.

And boy, did I hit the jackpot.

Reinhard van Astrea was handsome, noble, just and according to his title, a swordsman unlike any other. He looked perfect, he acted perfect, he was what other knights strove to be, what ladies dreamt of as they sang folk songs about chivalry.

God, I wanted to punch him.

Setting that aside, I wasn't really the one to approach him, even though he kinda stands out. Red hair seems to be rare in this world too. I just approached the front desk, where other people had lined up to gripe about their problems, everything from pleas to guard farms from bandits, to reporting thefts and other crimes.

Basically it was just like a mercenary outpost, except these guys get paid less.

It was finally my turn, and the receptionist, or whatever the position is called in this world, greeted me with possibly the most apathetic expression I have ever seen. "How may we help you?"

I wasn't gonna get anywhere with this shrew. "I need to report crucial information about a dangerous criminal."

The woman sighed, the sigh of someone who had been through one too many false alarms. Look, I get it, but can we try again and you pretend you actually give a shit? "Name?" she asked, her quill poised over a document.

"Elsa Granhiert."

Silence.

Oh no, what did I do now?

The civilians seem to be carrying on as usual, but even they had been caught up in the sudden wave of silence, looking around in confusion. The soldiers and employees though, looked like they had just witnessed murder. The woman in front of me suddenly looked very interested.

"Young lady, you should know that it is illegal to make a false statement to the Royal Gu-"

"I am not lying!" Okay, what did I just set off here? "Listen, I know where that woman is going to be and I can lead you to her."

"Elsa Granhiert has not been seen in years." She hissed, no she seriously _hissed_ at me. "There is serious work being done here, and the Royal Guard does not have time to entertain the flights of fancy of a little-"

"Now, now." Enter side character. "Forgive, but I couldn't help but overhear." He flashed an oh-so-charming smile at the receptionist, which somehow made her blush. Oi, control yourself lady, he's like half your age. "Thank you for your service, Ms. Talbot, I'll take it from here."

"Sir Astrea, please don't trouble yourself with this rascal. I'll have security escort this little gir-"

"Ok, if you're gonna insult me, do it to my face! I'll show you how much trouble this little girl can give you! And you get your hands off of me!" I said (I may have shouted), shaking off the hand on my shoulder.

"Alright, perhaps we should all calm down. Thank you again, Ms. Talbot. Young miss? If you would please follow me?" He kept smiling, but it was definitely a bit more strained. Oh, I get it, this guy was the classic crowd-pleaser. Wants to keep everyone happy. Good looks, high station, people pleaser. Classic riajuu.

But right now he was my best shot.

I followed him outside the barracks to an open area in the city, a fountain in the center and several eateries all around. It was on those shaded cafes where we got to talking.

"First of all, my lady, I must apologize for my colleague's rude behavior. But please understand that the 'Bowel Hunter's' reputation is fearsome, not just in Lugnica, but throughout the continent. Her name brings out much fear, and her feats are as legendary as her ability to evade us."

"Wow… I knew she was a psycho, but I didn't realize she was so well known. I'm a foreigner, and where I'm from I've never heard of her."

"Most people haven't heard of her here, either. But among the authorities, she is notorious. She is often called 'The Bowel Hunter', because of her preferred method of killing. Which is why it was so difficult to believe that somebody had obtained any information about her without so much as a scratch."

"Look, I didn't go looking for the bitch. Our interests just… conflicted."

"That makes your survival even more improbable."

Okay, I stand at a crossroads. If I explain myself here, I could get arrested. Maybe I should be subtle about this.

"I was interested in buying something with a… kind of sketchy background." I didn't have to elaborate. "Now, this was a very large purchase. Some people would pay as high as twenty holy gold coins for it." I didn't really understand how much that was worth, but Reinhard's eyes widened almost comically. "With the, uh, risky circumstances, it would only be right to do your due diligence, right?"

"And it was during this investigation that you encountered her."

"Uh-huh. I wanted to learn more about this person I was bidding against. So I tracked her down," _Sorta._ "and I found out who, and _what_ she is."

"I'm afraid that the Royal Guard is not for eliminating business rivals."

"Oh, don't give me that." I dismissed his objection easily. "The Royal Guard catches criminals right? And Granhiert is such a big fish that her name terrified everyone in the barracks. And think about it! What does some big shot assassin want with a shiny insignia anyway? To dazzle her targets to death? You **have** to inves-" I had to stop, because Reinhard stood up so quickly, he knocked the table. He drew himself up to his full height, his eyes glaring down on me like icicles.

Okay, that was kind of hot.

"Describe this insignia."

"Wait what?" was my oh-so-eloquent reply. For the love of- wha is it with everybody and this damned insignia! Damn it, Satella, couldn't you have just kept a better hold of it? Not that I'm blaming you or anything. No, never.

"Lady Subaru, please forgive my rudeness, but I must demand that you describe this insignia. With as much detail as you can remember!"

"It's just some little trinket. It's black, with kind of swirly golden designs. Oh! It's also got like a ruby or something in the center. Do you know what it is?"

Reinhard sighed. "Something extremely important, that should not be in the hands of a commoner, much less a beast like Granhiert." He slumped back down into his seat. Actually, he didn't slump, he managers to express his disbelief in a high class fashion. Classic riajuu.

"Now, will you take my case?"

"Oh, I was going to take it anyway. But now I'm just slightly more motivated."

"Ouch. A trinket is more important than a damsel's request?"

That earned me a laugh. "Haha! My lady, while I have only known you for an hour, I can safely say that you are no damsel. There is too much fire in you. And to clarify, I took the request, not because I saw a 'damsel' as you put it, but something far more intriguing."

Cute. But I notice you didn't deny my statement. "What did you see?"

"Somebody who is fighting a losing battle."

I didn't know how to respond to that. This guy was a soldier. No, not just a soldier, he was some kind of big shot. It was a safe bet to assume that he knows what people look like when fighting a battle that they know they can't win. What surprised me was the fact that I had already reached that point. I mean, I've only done this twi-

I stopped that train of thought. _Only_ done this twice? Who the hell am I kidding? I've _died_ twice. Painfully and brutally, completely at someone else's mercy. This wasn't a losing battle, it was a one-sided massacre.

Reinhard kept talking. "There is something you are not tell me. On my honor as a knight, I swear that I shall not pry further than what I have already observed. Whatever it may be, I shall aid you in this endeavor. But permit me to say this; this secret is deadly. Please be cautious when dealing with it."

I have a wry, knowing smile at the frowning knight. "Believe me Reinhard. This secret? I don't understand it myself. What I do understand, is my mission right here and now. And you're already helping me with that."

He accepted my answer with a slight smile. "Very well. Then let us discuss our plan of action. No doubt that this will be an interesting night."

I honestly couldn't resist. "I bet you say that to all the girls."

 **Hello, motherfuckers! Hope you enjoy this latest installment. I really have nothing more to say.**


	4. Chapter 4: Benefits of a save point

**Re: Zero ain't mine. Deal with it.**

 **Chapter 4: Benefits of a save point...**

The plan was simple. I would go into the shack, repeat my negotiation with Felt and Old Man Rom, wait for Elsa, and when she shows up, boom! Reinhard bursts in and arrests her. We didn't really have time to come up with any other alternatives. Actually, that's not quite true. _Reinhard_ came up with several alternatives, all of them involved me being far away from the action. I guess even though I'm not a 'damsel', I'm still technically a civilian.

Obviously, Reinhard couldn't go in himself. He was a member of the Royal Guard, and he himself said that his face was well-known in the area. We could spook Elsa away if he goes anywhere near the shack. And someone was bound to notice one or two shady people scouting out a loot house.

My solution was relatively simple.

"Alright, pretty boy. I've set this thing to twenty minutes. Once the sun sets, press these buttons in this exact order, okay? Once you see these figures, press the central button, and when it stops, that's your cue." My cell phone was pretty useless in this world, since there were no cell towers. Or any other freaking cell phones. But it still had some useful functions. Getting Reinhard to memorize which buttons to press was easy enough, once I made sure to stress that **under no circumstances** was to touch anything else.

I may or may not have some cosplay pics in there. Don't judge.

Just my luck that I forget my watch in an alternate dimension.

Reinhard was to stay away from the slums, avoiding detection as much as possible. Considering his clothing, I have no idea how he was going to stay inconspicuous, but he told me not to worry about it. I decided not to question his competence.

Anyway, a harpoon, some rats, and a few shit bags later, I found myself with Old Man Rom again. There was no awkwardness this time. I knew what I wanted, and I knew exactly what I had to say. When sunset came and Felt with it, I avoided an argument. I kept things as easy-going as possible, while keeping both of them interested in my loot. Any second, Elsa would arrive in all her sexy deadliness, I would negotiate, and Reinhard would come and save the day before she could say 'bowels'.

Yeah fucking right.

A beautiful woman burst through the door, but not the one I was looking for.

What the hell is she doing here? Satella-chan wasn't here last time, and I haven't done anything to make her come here! The only thing different was my meeting with Reinhard and that should not have affected her at all!

I nearly yelled in surprise, but I forced myself to keep things cool. Satella doesn't know me yet, and if I say I do, Felt won't trust me anymore. But I don't want Satella to think of me as a criminal. Ah, I felt like crying from frustration. If she's here, then Elsa could very well kill her again!

"I'll be having that insignia back." She spoke calmly, but firmly, her two hands held in front of her, probably ready to launch some spell.

"Ah hell, you're persistent." Felt growled. "Back off, lady. I stole this fair and square! You ain't gettin' it back!"

Something is fundamentally wrong with that first statement.

"I'm sorry to hear you say that. I'm afraid that now I must resort to force." For her part, Satella really seemed to be sorry about it. Not sorry enough to stop shooting crystals though. Thankfully, I wasn't being targeted. The moment shit hit the fan, I ducked underneath the table.

Satella's spells were fast, but Felt was a whirlwind. Not even a continued barrage could hit her. But it was enough to keep her away from close range, where Felt would have the upper hand with her knife. Old Man Rom stayed well away, taking a similar position to me behind his bar, not fast enough to participate or sneaky enough to surprise the spirit user. Felt was on her own, but she and Satella were on even ground.

Then we were interrupted. Again. It wasn't _quite_ the deus ex machina I needed, because apparently my life here couldn't be cliched like everybody else's. I suppose this was kind of a compromise. I felt it before I saw it, and so did everyone in that shack. Though to be honest, I didn't see much before the sky started to fall. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it certainly felt like it.

The entire ceiling caved in, dirt and sawdust spilling into the room. A series of clangs and screeches rang out before two figures jumped out of the dust cloud, revealing Elsa and Reinhard, slightly dirty, but completely unharmed.

"Apologies for coming early Subaru, but after sensing a disturbance in the spirits, as well as spotting Lady Emilia approach, I thought it prudent to come running." Yeah, we're on a first name basis now. Getting called Lady was just embarrassing.

"…Disturbance in the spirits, huh? I guess I can buy that." Seemed awfully convenient, but who am I to argue with a main character? And who the hell is Emilia?

"So, you are the one who alerted the Sword Saint that I would be here." Elsa purred sultrily at me, which only made me shiver from fear rather than arousal. "Now, how could a little girl like you know so much about me?"

"Do not take your eyes off your opponent, Granhiert."

"Oh? Jealous from the lack of attention? I'm flattered. But there's no reason to be, I'm rather skilled at… multi-tasking."

The next thing I knew, Reinhard was in front of me, parrying a barrage of attacks which ended with him forcing Elsa away. "I will not fall to such dishonourable tactics."

The assassin actually pouted like a child, bringing her gleaming knife to her lips. "I suppose that's fair. I'll deal with the rest later." She crouched down, her blade held in front of her, like panther ready to pounce. Reinhard stood at the ready, his own sword at the ready. Satella and Felt had fallen silent, backing away from the battle, their own feud forgotten. A fierce standoff had begun.

 _ **Rrring, rrring! Rrring, rrring!**_

Slowly, wordlessly, Reinhard removed the phone from his coat pocket and dropped it into my hands, where it was quickly silenced.

I changed my mind, can I be assassinated now?

Smooth as glass, Reinhard swung his sword with a flourish. "Shall we?"

I'm not even sure I could call it a battle. Sure there was fighting, but Reinhard was on a completely different level. Without the element of stealth and surprise, Elsa couldn't match the redhead. She hadn't received any major injuries, but it was only a matter of time. And she knew that. In fact, the only reason she was still alive was because Reinhard was looking to arrest, not to kill.

Despite that, I was still pretty amazed at the power they had. Their footsteps broke through the flooring, their cuts tore everything around them, every time they clashed it was like a gun shot. He may have had an advantage, but it still seemed to go on forever.

But Elsa didn't fight fair.

She locked her knife with Reinhard's blade, which didn't make any sense, until I thought about it. Without thinking I yelled out, "There's a second kni-"

Too fucking late.

The knife flew, and for a split second, I thought Satella was going to be gutted. If Reinhard went to stop it, he'd have to turn his back to Elsa, who could escape or attack him. He was trapped.

That was a fairly accurate summation, but as usual, there was one crucial detail I got wrong. The target.

Luckily, I didn't have to go through a reboot not quite yet.

Elsa's aim must have been thrown off or something, because even though the knife carved right through my side, I kind of expected it to cut me in half. I still collapsed immediately, but I didn't die. Judging by the ferocious roar I heard and the impressive light show and the huge fucking dust cloud, it seems my fall had activated the MC's hax mode. Perfect timing, Reinhard, way to be the hero.

But for me, there were two heros worth mentioning. I hadn't even hit the ground, and already Sat-chan was kneeling next to me, little balls of light- spirits- hovering around her hands. "Just lie still, okay? I can fix this!"

Haa… If magic can heal someone whose stomach has been turned inside out… Maybe this fantasy world thing is starting to really pay off.

But Satella wasn't exaggerating. I was already starting to feel better. Still excruciating, but the pain was shrinking down every second. I managed to creak my head to the side, and if I could breathe properly, I probably would have stopped.

The shack was a disaster zone. One of the walls had been obliterated, and scorch marks littered literally everything else. Reinhard stood in the middle, not even breathing hard, his Royal Guard coat pristine. On the other hand, Elsa was a mess. The assassin was somehow wearing even less clothing, which was caked in dirt and blood.

"You truly live up to your title. I thought it would be fun to disembowel such a handsome young boy like you, but now you've killed the mood."

Of course, Reinhard did not so much as flinch. "I suggest you surrender now, Granhiert, or he only bowels you will see tonight will be your own."

"Oh, now you're just flirting with me. But alas, right now you're just not doing it for me. A woman must instantly know when to write off the night. And for me, that point is right now."

"Do you think you can escape from me?"

No, no, no! Nothing good ever comes out of that question! It might as well be a trope! Now she'll have to escape for plot purposes. Just kill her already! It's justified, she started it!

"Of course not. That is why you're going to let me go. Otherwise, your friend will have to deal with a severed arm as well."

I just had enough time to move my eyeballs before the all-too-familiar glint of Elsa's thrown knife approached me, possessed by an unseen force. Maybe Satella could have stopped it, but she was concentrating her efforts on healing me. Maybe Reinhard could have stopped it, but he was too far, his attention on Elsa. Instead, the third (well, chronologically first) heroine stepped in.

Felt swatted away the purple blade with ease, but that only deflected its path towards Reinhard. Obviously, it was no threat, but the split second his attention was diverted to me, Elsa vanished.

"Aren't you gonna run after her?" Felt demanded.

Reinhard shook his head gravely. "The moment I took my eyes off her, I lost her. Not even I could pursue her, especially in the darkness. This is her domain, and I stand no chance in capturing her as I am now." He then knelt down next to me, and took my hand.

"Please forgive me, Subaru. You risked your life, so I could bring Granhiert to justice, and I have failed you. And I have failed to protect you. If it were not for Lady Emilia and the young lady here, I fear the outcome here would have been much worse."

Whoa. Guilt and a saving people thing. Shoulda seen that coming. And there was that name again. Emilia. Did Sat-chan give me a fake name? I'm kinda hurt, but I guess I was a stranger. Better settle Reinhard's nerves first.

I coughed out an answer as best as I could. "You can make it up to me by putting that damn insignia where it belongs."

"Yeah, fine you can have it." Felt grouched. "Considering my client list, this thing is more trouble than its worth." She fished the shining insignia out of her pockets, placing it in my other hand. "Free of charge, good luck princess."

I held up the black and gold trinket in front of my face, admiring the way the ruby glittered so brightly. "Hehehe. All this trouble. You really should have kept a better hold of this, Emilia-tan. Wouldn't you say?" I looked up at my medic, but was greeted by a look of shock and disbelief. A quick glance showed Reinhard with a similar expression, except with a more contemplative tone.

"You two… Where are you from, again?"

"Here."

"Nowhere you would know."

The two exchanged a glance, Sat- Emilia sending him a look of confusion, returned only by an unknowing shrug. "Would you two like a place to stay for the next few days? It seems there are some things that need to be discussed." Emilia asked with a resigned voice.

I think Felt pretty much summed up our thoughts with one clear concise question. "Okay, really. What the actual fuck are you talking about?"

* * *

 **Hoped you liked it people. Now you know the drill.**


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